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Oftentimes we find ourselves hunting various books, videos and mentors for the ultimate way to "get over something." We are told to 'let something go' in order to make space for something new-- as if our human existence has a only a certain amount of capacity before it reaches capacity.
Perhaps your needs should NEVER come second. In fact, before saying yes to someone else's needs so quickly, try considering the following:
"Let me think about it"
"Can I get back to you in 24 hours?"
"That doesn't feel like a good choice for me right now."
"No."
"Not Yet."
Many of us are busy managing and supportiing other people's No's and Boundary setting before we are even ready and able to move through it on our own. Over Service Syndrome is a THING! I have found that for me, it can also cause resentment and anger that makes it even more difficult for me to forgive. The addiction to serve in hopes of someone treating you the way you want them to treat you is REAL! I have found that when I can't forgive, I also cannot receive love from the very person or system that I would like to forgive. It feels like a vicious cycle that has me hitting levels of anger that I wasn't even aware existed.
Years of repressed resentment from seeking approval through Over Service Syndrome had me experiencing a lot of anger; it was as if I literally became a Volcano and the heat was tired of keeping it beneath the surface.
Perhaps it is avoidance and we truly believe that someone near and dear to us has needs greater than our own. I would like to offer that perhaps your needs should NEVER come second. In fact, before saying yes to someone's needs so quickly try considering the following:
If you are putting your needs second, you are inevitably modeling the same behavior for the person that you are supporting. This isn't really helping or supporting but rather enabling and not really working together to solve a self care issue/concern that all parties must heal and pay attention to.
2. If you say yes in order to make this person not feel bad but rather add extra to you plate, will this exhaust you in ANY way? How are you helping others when you actually may not truly desire to help/support in that moment? In fact, you repressing your truth actually imprints the space with seeking approval.
3. Blindly helping assuming that you are practicing acts of kindness or gratitude by helping others from an empty space within yourself is practicing lack of integrity and dishonesty with your body as well. We want to begin (immediately) to remember how to listen to ourCELLves rather than the program.
So what is the connection between gratitude, forgiveness and over service syndrome?
We cannot receive ANYTHING from a place of emptiness. Especially if we are seeking others to fill our cup. In learning how to navigate my Over Service Syndrome, I realized that when I served others after I did the things that were important to me, I showed up even more than I thought I had capacity for. The more I started to show up for others, those who were low key feeding off of this energy fell away because I didn't have the time to serve only them anymore. And those who witnessed how my spirit and mood changed offered more support to see more evolution. In fact it has inspired many to take more care of themselves too!
In order to even get into a place of true receiving and truly being able to allow, accept and acknowledge support and gratitude, I have to also simultaneously forgive all of the moments that I was unable to receive it before. There are many moments when I allowed others to assume that they could use me or misuse me for that matter. I can think back now and see the red flags I ignored.
While serving others created a protective outer shell and a successful and efficient leader, it also denied the moments of raw expression that I felt because it felt 'weak' or 'too much' to go there in a professional setting. Every single one of these moments that I felt held back impacted and compacted upon itself. Each moment was another repression and depression of expression.
To truly feel thankful for the life we are living right now in this moment, we must be willing to forgive all the moments that we did not allow ourCELLves to feel bliss, acceptance, self love and joy.
We held ourselves back for others' sake or because we truly believed ourselves to be less than or because we truly thought it was best for everyone and the space if we just dimmed ourselves a little more. This self inflicted bullying often times has a flavor of the Inner Critic or Mental Judge; the part of us that is largely influenced by the adult who criticized us most and had quite a large impact on how we navigated daily living and performative tasks.
It is okay to take a moment and see what has the Inner Critic or Mental Juedge so wound up?Isn't it interesting that 'wound up' and wound are literally spelt the same? Forgiveness is a great practice to allow our Mental Judge to get on the couch and lay down and rest! Tell us what they are protecting and what are they afraid will happen again? This is the dynamic holding us back from true receiving and gratitude.
RITUAL PRACTICES TO BEGIN PRACTICING FORGIVENESS NOW.
1. Find a place you can get completely comfortable.
2. Begin to tune into the places that you feel your Inner Critic or Mental Juedge the most.
3. If possible, as soon as a memory or event/thought is clear, jot it down.
4. See if you can come up with 3-5.
5. I want you to take each incident and notice who else was there and what there perspectives may be (especially how their experience is different than yours).
6. Tune into how you felt in those moments/incidents and how the younger version of you dealt with the situation and how you all were truly doing what you thought was best in the situation.
7. You can enter this vision as your repairented adult self and show up the way you would have liked a parent show up for you then. You can also show up as your current self and and be.a safe meditative place for this memory to 'vent' to you about how it felt to be so misunderstood, alone, punished.
8. Really let it play out and please, please add in as many details as possible.
9. Now cut strips of paper large enough for you to write some girevences that you are feeling from the memories that came up in your processing.
10. On these strips of paper, write down any themes or patterns of emotions that you felt and you are tired of feeling to this day. Start with I release, I shift, I change, I alchemize and write it.
11. Speak it out loud as you burn it in the fire and allow it to change form moving forward. It is no longer what it once was.
Write all of the emotions that you were able to feel, understand and are ready to let go.
You will burn these pieces of paper and keep the ashes.